Self sufficiency …… Interdependence
We’ve been wrestling with the concept of this spectrum for a year.
It began as a discussion around allowing other people to dictate through their expectations for us or our perceptions of their opinions what our actions would be. This is perception management and people pleasing - far to the right on a spectrum of isolation to codependency.
Here, I don’t know who I am. I don’t enjoy life. I have no idea what I want, I’m pouring from an empty cup. I have no self discipline, because there is no self. There is only a conglomeration of attempts to portray what those around me seem to want. The only thing I know for sure is that I want to escape.
The automatic compensation when we realize that the modus operandi of codependency is to veer into isolation, on the far left.
I don’t need anyone; I don’t care what anyone thinks. I’m a free agent. But what’s the point of anything, if there’s no one to share it with? Again, I have no self discipline here, because it affects nobody but me if I fall prey to temptation, addiction, self-sabotage. I’m utterly lonely, and I become nihilistic.
Is it a tug of war? Do we just try to find the middle ground between isolation and codependency?
If those are the two ditches on the side of the road, what would we call the lanes on the road itself?
It took us months to define “to the left of centre” healthy individuality.
But we finally landed on what we were desperately trying to cultivate for our inner worlds - something that we could rely on, something strong within our core that was unassailable by those around us.
Self sufficiency. Our emotional state is our own. It is not dependent upon the endorsement of those around us.
But we do live in a world with other humans. And interaction with those humans is as fundamental to life as oxygen, food, or water - newborn babies die if they aren’t touched.
What’s the healthy version, then, closer to centre, of what at the extreme becomes codependency?
It’s interdependence. There’s a dance, between myself and the world around me. I put something into the world, and it reflects results back at me. I can see my words change the expression on another person’s face. Someone shares their thoughts with me, and something within my mind lights up, solving problems and sparking creativity. Loneliness is assuaged and we begin to feel like we belong.
But interdependence cannot exist without a whole individual, a strong self.
How do we know when we tip too far into either side - self sufficiency leading to isolation, or interdependence leading to codependence? How much of each do we need to operate well in this world?
Up until now, I have always looked at both sides through a very egoic lens of what I got on either side of this spectrum. On the self sufficiency side, I’m untouchable, I’m in a bubble utterly unaffected by those around me (but lonely). On the interdependence side, I’m social and highly involved, but I don’t know where my centre is, because I’m always seeking validation from those around me and trying to take their time, attention, and emotional support.
The bridge between the two is dependability.
I must be self sufficient enough that others can depend on me.
Now I have something to give, and an inner home to come back to between interactions.