Self Sufficiency and Interdependence

Isolation is on the far left of a spectrum, with codependence toward the right. There seem to be ditches on the shoulders of every road.

A close friend and I had been wrestling with the concept of this spectrum for a year, trying to find what the optimal human condition could be. How could we balance strength in ourselves with relationship to others?

It began as a discussion around allowing other people to dictate through their expectations for us, or our perceptions of their opinions, what our actions would be. This is perception management and people pleasing - it's far to the right with codependence on this spectrum.

Here on the right, I don’t know who I am. I don’t enjoy life. I have no idea what I want, I’m pouring from an empty cup. I have no self discipline, because there is no self. There is only a conglomeration of attempts to portray what those around me seem to want. The only thing I know for sure is that I want to escape.

The simplest overcompensation when we realize that the modus operandi of codependence is to veer into isolation, on the far left.

At the left, I don’t need anyone; I don’t care what anyone thinks. I’m a free agent. But what’s the point of anything, if there’s no one to share it with? Again, I have no self discipline here, because it affects nobody but me if I fall prey to temptation, addiction, self-sabotage. I’m utterly lonely, and I become nihilistic.

Is it a tug of war? Do we just try to find the middle ground between isolation and codependency?

If those are the two ditches on the side of the road, what would we call the lanes on the road itself?

It took us months to define a slightly “to the left of centre” healthy individuality.

But we finally landed on what we were desperately trying to cultivate for our inner worlds - something that we could rely on, something strong within our core that was unassailable by those around us.

We called this left lane self sufficiency. This is where our emotional state is our own. It is not dependent upon the endorsement or understanding of those around us.

But we do live in a world with other humans. And interaction with those humans is as fundamental to life as oxygen, food, or water - as a striking example of this, newborn babies die if they aren’t touched.

What’s the healthy version, then, closer to centre and slightly on the right, of what at the extreme becomes codependency?

It’s interdependence. There’s a dance, between myself and the world around me. I put something into the world, and it reflects results back at me. I can see my words change the expression on another person’s face. Someone shares their thoughts with me, and something within my mind lights up, solving problems and sparking creativity. Loneliness is assuaged and I begin to feel like I belong.

But interdependence cannot exist without a whole individual, a strong self.

How do we know when we tip too far into either side - self sufficiency leading to isolation, or interdependence leading to codependence? How much of each do we need to operate well in this world?

Up until now, I have always looked at both sides through a very egoic lens of what I got on either side of this spectrum. On the self sufficiency side, I’m untouchable, I’m in a bubble utterly unaffected by those around me (but lonely). On the interdependence side, I’m social and highly involved, but I don’t know where my centre is, because I’m always seeking validation from those around me and trying to take their time, attention, and emotional support.

Another friend showed up with perfect timing, and through our exploratory discussion, he posited that the bridge between the two extremes could be dependability.

I must be self sufficient enough that others can depend on me.

Now I have something to give, and an inner home to come back to between interactions.