A Fitness Competitor's Journey

As printed in the High River Times, September 2010

There was an article in a recent tabloid about Ali, the Bachelorette, which caught my attention. "How I lost 10 lbs fast! Humiliated and Heartbroken, she gets revenge by revealing her hottest body ever!" This was disappointing to me, because I was inspired that Ali was gorgeous, and wasn't stick-skinny. She looked like a real woman. With curves. And then the media decided that wasn't good enough, and told us that Ali was getting "revenge" by getting thinner. I was left with an even deeper impression that women are constantly being told, "you must be thinner," and we've come to believe it.

On May 2, 2010, I did a fitness model competition in Calgary. It was the IDFA Calgary Classic. I placed 4th in my category of 13 women. We were judged on stage presence, makeup, posing, swimsuit selection, tan, confidence, symmetry, proportion, and of course, the ever-important body fat level. After twenty weeks of dieting, every calorie counted, I made it to the stage and got to play Barbie for a day.

Like a lot of women, I have always wanted to "lose more weight." As it is for most of us, my "goal" was just beyond the next bend. After five more pounds, we'll be happy.

In September 2009, frustrated with my inability to develop a positive body image and nutrition routine, I met with Gary Piper, manager and personal trainer at Peak Potential Fitness in High River. I needed a goal, and we spoke about the possibility of doing a fitness competition. I decided to train toward the IDFA show under Gary's expertise, seeing an opportunity to prove to myself that I could accomplish what I set my hand to; that I could follow through. Oh, and I also wanted to wear a sparkly swimsuit and heels onstage.

I began a rigorous diet and training regime which included weight training 4 days a week, running, biking and sprint training. As the weeks went on training got more difficult and the diet even more strict.

Of most importance was the cardio and weight training, but there was also the tanning,

planning my swimsuit and posing routine for the stage, shopping for the right food and cooking it, getting enough sleep,......it was almost like having another job!

It was hard. But at the same time, it was easy in ways. I never had to wonder if I was eating too much or not enough. It was all given to me on paper, based on how my body was reacting with each change we made. I had to trust the process.

Gary was fantastic. It was his job to get me to the stage, and so he trained me hard and dieted me harder, yet at the same time, he made sure I knew that stage weight wasn't "normal," or even desirable for real life. Somehow, Gary taught me that my weight had nothing to do with my value as a person and that I was great at any weight. He started to make me actually believe that I was "young, healthy, fit, and beautiful," at every step along the journey.

My body became a science project. I remember my inspiration and role model, world-champion fitness and cover model Miryah Scott telling me, "you do not own the body you're in at competition time. It is a science project. It is not yours."

Three weeks before the show, I "arrived" at this body. Gary told me I was "there," and I didn't need to lose any more weight. At that point, I realized I was somewhere I'd never been before. To get to this point of being "acceptable" to myself, I had been living a full-time lifestyle of dieting and training. But, I was there.

Everything came together for the show on May 2. I was finally "thin enough," and in fact, looked like a fitness magazine. My mom painted my dehydrated, depleted, but exceptionally lean body with layer after layer of tanning product. There were about 8 layers in all. My hair was Barbied-out, the makeup was heavy, and my swimsuit was glued on.

I couldn't help but smile the entire time I was onstage. Seeing my friends in the crowd, cheering, was the icing on the (sugar-free) cake. Show day was the payoff.

Afterwards came the post-show blues that I had heard about. I started to feel like the one thing I'd poured myself into for months had evaporated, leaving me once again unhappy with my self image. The weight piled on way more quickly than I thought possible, making me feel like I was out of control and drowning.

During those months following the show, it started to dawn on me that the fitness models on the front of our magazines look like that two weeks out of the year. They specifically tan, dehydrate, train, and diet for that photo shoot. And that's what we compare ourselves to?! No wonder we never think we're thin enough!

In June and July, I realized that I needed to love the body I was in now- not the fake one I had onstage. After much toil and tears, this truth set in, and my health began to come back, as well as my joy. I realized that I'm the only one that cares how many inches my waist is, so why should a number ruin my quality of life, job and relationships? Why should my life consist in my clothing size or the number on the scale?

When I am happy, I make healthy choices as a result of respecting myself and enjoying life. It's a desire from within to treat myself right. Before, I was struggling to meet some "standard" that I was programmed for: "thinner." This outside pressure made me want to rebel. When I relaxed and started to love myself now, I found health, which is where joy and wellness are discovered. I want women to realize that there are no "shoulds" about how we look or what we weigh.

What matters is health, and when that is paramount, a glow will come from within, and the beauty we are all searching for will be a natural by-product.

My choices in terms of food and training improved dramatically the instant I accepted myself in my off-season "heavier" body. I started to enjoy every day and realized that good food makes me feel good, so if I eat it, I can keep enjoying life, instead of weighing myself down emotionally by flooding my body with junk. That being said, now, if I actually want to eat something "bad," I do. And I'm learning to move on without worrying about it.

If you want to change, why? Find your WHY. If it's because you think you should, I believe acceptance of yourself now is required. Love yourself! If it's because you want to be healthier and you love exercising and eating salads,great - do it! But don't do any of it because someone told you that you weren't thin enough. Don't do it because most of the models we see on magazines are stick thin or super lean. Remember: they do not look like that full time! I've been there, I've seen them, and I've done it - it is not a year-round thing. It's a sport, with a competition season and an off-season, and it is unrealistic to compare ourselves to the pictures we see of models in their "on-season."

I am learning to look at my priorities and stop feeling like I'm failing because I want to look like so-and-so on that movie or magazine. I'm learning to love myself. Love my life. Enjoy every day. Be healthy.

Allow yourself to believe that you are wonderful now and that your body wants to be nurtured, not forced into submission.

That headline I mentioned about the Bachelorette bothered me because when I watched the show, Ali inspired me. At that point, she looked real. She didn't look like all those skinny, ripped, dieted-out girls that Hollywood tries to tell us are "normal." She looked healthy, and she had curves and substance and she rocked her bikini with her confident, friendly personality. Then, the media goes and tells us again, that she's getting "revenge" on someone by losing weight and getting the "best" body ever. In my opinion, Ali had a better body before she lost the weight. Before, it was hers. It wasn't the result of a diet or an "ideal." But once again, I realized that we're surrounded by unrealistic images and "shoulds" to be thinner in this society.

I kept a paraphrase of Hebrews 6:18-19 in my desk drawer at work to give me the edge to keep going through the training and dieting: "His Word will anchor my soul and strengthen me so that I can obtain the promise of victory."

Little did I know, the victory wasn't the competition. It wasn't the weight loss. It wasn't my 4thplace ribbon.

The victory was the freedom of realizing that I am beautiful now and I do not need to constantly be dieting in order to be acceptable. The victory is in enjoying everyday life. It's in loving people, being balanced, eating well, exercising, never obsessing, working hard, playing hard, free from eating disorders and body image crises.

The victory is loving yourself. Now.