In my previous understanding, “accountability partners” were people you signed depressing, somber verbal contracts with, giving them the right to, at any moment, ask you if you’d drank alcohol, slept with your boyfriend, looked at porn that day, or relapsed on your diet, and you’d shamefully and sheepishly confess your sins.
How well did that work? Did it last? Did that make you want to be close to your “accountability partner”?
The main reason I have distanced myself from people throughout my life, or when they’ve distanced themselves from me, is when I or they felt controlled and watched, like there was an agenda for changing and fixing the person.
When our parents always had unsolicited advice for us, what did we do? The natural response is not to lean in and listen; it’s to hide our lives so that they don’t have access to us. It’s distance.
When one business partner is always calling the shots, and the other person begins to feel subjugated, how long will that partnership last?
When a spouse starts to erect “boundaries” around who your friends can be, what you can wear, and how you spend your time, how soon until that marriage is asphyxiated?
What about our friends? The people we love being around, the people we choose to spend time with when there is no obligation to do so? What traits do they embody?
The people I feel safest with, and choose to be around, embody self sufficiency, and not only an acceptance of who I am and where I am, but a celebration of it.
They don’t “need” me, and they definitely aren’t expending any effort trying to fix me. No agenda. The people who choose me repeatedly have often indicated they do so because they sense a safety and lack of judgment.
Who are the people that drive me to grow, face my struggles, conquer my obstacles, and be more than I am?
They are simply people that are running their race with intentionality. They’re doubled down on themselves. They’re embodying excellence in their lives. They have no room to have an agenda for me because they are growing, learning, and thriving themselves.
By existing, they call me to a higher standard. They inspire the potential already within me, by showing me that it’s possible to live out success.
They never chase me and ask me if I’ve failed on my plan. They allow me to come to them, and they share out of their overflow. They’re gaining momentum in their own lives and pursuits, and the results of their discipline are apparent. They create a gravity that magnetizes me toward them, because I can see their passion for existence and excellence.
One of my closest friends is so because of his jacked arms.
Almost ten years ago, I wandered into lululemon in Banff a few months after having my first baby. I was toying with the idea of competing in Fitness Model again, and I was looking for a coach.
The guy working at the front of the store was ripped. It was apparent he was passionate about the lifestyle; he didn’t just know what to do - he DID it. I started chatting with him and found out he worked nearby part time at a gym, and had trained competitors. We arranged a coffee, during which we discovered we had a very similar past with regards to food addiction.
Long story short, embodied excellence drew me in. He had what I wanted. I hired him for six months that changed my life forever.
Nowadays, his growth mindset is stronger than ever. He’s never been one to go half-in to anything, and the number of strategies, ideas, practices he has shared with me because he is doing them are innumerable. As friends now, no longer in a trainer-client relationship, his impact on me is just as strong because he’s an even more evolved, all-in, curious, and enthusiastic, hard working human being.
Has he ever “followed up” on whether I was “on track” or not (unless I had literally hired him to do so at the time)? No.
Over the past decade, he’s proven his character. I know he’ll never stop growing and learning, which blazes a trail for me to do so alongside. There is no apprehension in partnering with him, because of the way he lives his life. He's committed to his own self-actualization, and this also allows him to be one of the most loyal, secure, patient, and resilient humans I have ever met. He has a full cup, able and more than willing to pause along the way to assist when needed.
To be accountable, to hold accountable - it means you can be counted on. Perfection not required; only trajectory.
It doesn’t matter if we are working on the same things, in remotely the same worlds. All that matters is that we never stagnate.
I’ve seen and been part of so many examples where the opposite occurred. One party or another developed a saviour mentality, and they needed their “student” to need them, so they began to hound the student. You can imagine what happened to all of those relationships, at least for a period of time.
Recently, I’ve been inspired to introspect, do my inner work, face my shadows, by not only feeling the pain that codependency brings, but by associating with high performers. Athletes, businesspeople, thinkers.
Accountability isn't anything to do with other people. It's relentlessly pursuing inner alignment.
When I see someone dedicated to their craft, I am drawn to their character. When I see someone who’s been willing to buck the status quo of comfort and complacency, delay gratification in any way, alone if need be, I become less afraid of success and the loneliness that I previously perceived would accompany forward momentum.
These single-minded growers keep me inspired, by the fact that they are doing it for themselves. I don’t want to miss out on progress, excitement, and new learning.
They show me what is possible, and they prove that the common doesn’t have to be the inevitable.
The best thing they are doing to create a positive impact on the people around them is to become their best self, spiritually, intellectually, financially, and physically. And that’s not even why they’re doing it!
They hold me accountable by their very existence.
What’s the best possible thing I can do for the world, for my kids? Run my race, pursue progress and integrity, and let go entirely of how it may or may not affect anyone else.