Recently on the phone, I heard myself justifying telling people I love them and being verbose with compliments. I painted these habits as being an overcompensation for what I didn’t receive as a child. I don’t think that’s accurate.
Upon reflection, I remember the moment I decided to SAY WORDS to appreciate and love and compliment the people I value. It was while I was working through my eating disorder & body image addictions and dysmorphias with my coach, Anthony, in 2014-2015.
I was ENDLESSLY grateful for him, just as I am for certain people now. I couldn’t believe someone was putting that much effort into me. The methods were working, and I was becoming free.
Up to this point, vulnerability in terms of telling people what I felt about them wasn’t really a thing for me, outside of romantic relationships.
But the gratitude I felt for Anthony was so immense and the results of the work we were doing were so liberating.
I was working at lululemon at the time. They have their "manifesto" shopping bags, full of various quotes printed all over them, and one of the new ones was “if you love them, tell them.”
It resonated deeply, and I started acting on it. After all, nobody ever died from too much encouragement, but souls shrivel constantly from lack of it.
Additional context for this shift of behaviour was one of my supervisors, Mel, who initially intimidated me because she was so forthright with her critical feedback. At first, I avoided her because she always seemed to have something to “feedback” me about.
But over a few months I began to notice that she was ALSO forthright with her compliments and she put clear words to positive feedback as well, unafraid to be sincere and upbuilding.
I began to understand the definition of security. I knew were I stood with her, and she quickly became my favourite coworker. The positive and negative feedback were balanced properly, which provided accountability, edges - aka safety, with a call to growth. Saying scary words that build others up cultivates an environment, a buffer, where necessary beneficial admonishment can be safely expressed.
It was respect and love she and Anthony extended to me, because it was effort and challenge nestled in acceptance. They saw me and welcomed me, and they valued me enough not to apathetically leave me as I was.
I decided that if I wanted to be more HONEST in how I showed up in the world, I was going to learn vulnerability in terms of letting the people I love know that I do.
It dawned on me that people *really* don’t know how you feel about them unless you tell them. Knowing where they stand opens the door to mental freedom, personal elevation, human connection, and victories I had no idea were possible until I experienced such a generous combination of love + truth from Anthony and Mel that year.
The confidence I developed within those relationships of direct truth led to freedom from internal addictions and battles that I thought I was stuck with forever.
I wanted to expand that freedom and confidence to others around me, so they’d know where they stood and how appreciated they were. If I could provide to any other human the progress these people provided for me, my purpose would be realized.
It was a window into how CONNECTED you can feel when you’re willing to open the gate to deeper communication.
I learned that one at a staff meeting at lululemon as well: in every group, there’s a hesitancy as to what is expected. Everyone wants reality and deeper connection, and everyone wants to be seen & understood, but nobody is really sure who’s going to lead the charge. Many people need someone else to go first, to break the ice and so doing, give permission for them to delve into their own stories as well. To show there is safety.
To be known is to be loved.
I remember deciding I was going to be that person more often. The gate-opener.
So, my consistency in telling my trusted friends how much I love you isn’t an overcompensation from childhood wounds after all; it is a conscious choice from years ago not to leave anything unsaid, to bring a net positive into other peoples lives by providing permission for them to open up. To provide security for those who are in relationships with me, in my corner of the world. To show up more honestly. To shake off fear and bring in courage and love, which lays an unbreakable foundation for growth and honesty and victory into the future.
I haven't arrived; this is an overall trajectory, and there have been plenty of missed opportunities. Working on it - onward.